Even if you have just begun researching your options for child custody and parenting time, you have probably already come across multiple references to communication with the other parent. Various sources tell you it’s important to work closely with your ex to effectively co-parent your children.
And if you have seen that kind of advice, you may have been puzzled. After all, many couples split up because they can’t effectively communicate with each other anymore. How are they supposed to suddenly communicate with each other now that they are divorced?
There’s no simple answer to this question, but there are some key principles you should keep in mind:
- Put your child first: Courts make child custody decisions based on their determination of the best interests of the child. So should you. If you are still annoyed at your ex, it can be hard to put that aside when you must negotiate child custody matters, but remember that you’re trying to do what’s right for your kid, and not just trying to win an argument. You don’t have to be friends with your ex, but it’s best to treat them with the kind of respect you might show to a co-worker.
- Stick to business: When you’re communicating with the other parent about child custody, maintain boundaries. Stick to the details of parenting. It may be a good idea to set a time limit for your conversations as well.
- Don’t put your child in the middle: It can be hard for kids to listen to their parents argue. It can also be hard on kids when one parent badmouths the other in front of their kid. And it’s not good for anyone when divorced parents use their kids as go-betweens to deliver messages to the other.
- Keep to a schedule: Stick to your plan as best you can. You may want to create an online calendar or other system so that both you and the other parent can keep track of when you’re supposed to have the kid at your house, who is supposed to pick up the kid from school that day and other logistical details. Obviously, schedules can change and emergencies can come up, but the closer you can keep to your plan, the better.
- Get it in writing: When you and the other parent disagree on something related to child custody, it’s a good idea to document the disagreement in writing, with dates. If your disagreement comes up in a phone call or in person, write and send an email or letter to the other parent describing the disagreement as you understood it. The point here is not to win the argument at this point, but to make sure you both remember the details of the dispute. This kind of documentation also helps in case you need to go to court to resolve the issue.
None of this is easy, but as long as you and your ex can agree to put your child’s needs first, and to treat each other with common courtesy, you can make it work. And, if you’re having trouble with that, seek out help from a therapist or other professional who has experience with co-parenting.